I’ve been going through a revolution of sorts. I’m revolting against myself. I’ve been clearing my mind and (trying) to free myself from being negative. I decided to start with the one thing I know I have control over : my body. I decided to love it. I’ve decided I want it to be strong and healthy. If it becomes sexy along the way then hooray for me!
For the past six months I’ve been exercising, lifting weights and eating better. I decided to lose the weight because quite, frankly, I was bored of myself. Bored of the constant negative way I was feeling about myself. Oh my thighs, oh my stomach, oh why is my face so BIG, oh oh wah wah yfthrdhhhj !!! Oh my thighs again! Yeah, I was a hoot. In doing so I’ve had to deal with how I found myself here. Some hard and painful introspection was required.
It’s not easy to look at yourself. It’s especially hard when you look at the mirror and hate yourself and then realize you’re actually looking past your reflection. Sort of looking through yourself like someone who doesn’t have the time of day for what you have to say and you know how shitty that makes one feel.
It has been the hardest part to realize that you’ve neglected yourself to the extent that cannot even face what you’ve become. A Sad-sack.
I had become the girl whom everyone felt sorry for. Pity. Not empathy but nauseating pity. And I loath to think what they really think. I’m the girl who lost her job,lost her independence, lost her will to live at some point. The at-least-im-not her girl. So naturally I threw myself a pity party. It was quite the soiree.You should have been there. The DJ played all the classics : “woe is me”,” I’m a loser “,” hey fatty” and of course “WHY ME”on repeat. I was a mess. Nobody said anything. So it went on for far longer than it should have.
Until one day my sister got tired of hearing me go on. She said ENOUGH. She’s not one to hold back. She told me to get myself together. I’m no longer a child and I need to grow up. She reminded me of all that is great about me. And how nobody could see that because I had turned off the light in my eyes. I was taken aback. I didn’t realize that I had become so , well, annoying. I thank God everyday that she was so honest with me. I thank God everyday she’s here. I thank God that I love her so much, she really is the best part of everyday.
So now I choose to be positive everyday. I find something to love, something great and unique about myself. Something that will always be part of the me in me. I also realized that I have very little self confidence. So through exercise I’m building it slowly. It’s such a solitary endeavor. Just one foot in front of another. Just me and my thoughts. And in the beginning I couldn’t believe that I would be running 8km a week and lifting weights. As my body has become strong and stronger my mind has followed suit. It’s clearer and brighter.
Another thing I do is tell myself everyday that I’m beautiful, that I’m intelligent, that my opinion matters.
It’s little things but it helps. Take care of yourself because nobody else will. They too have shit to deal with.