AHHHHHH!!!!

WHY IS THIS SO HARD?

I WANT to write dammit! Every time  I get an idea to write something it just seems to run away from me !

I think that everyone knows one true thing about themselves or at least believes it. My true thing is that I can write . I can . I can be articulate and sound believable….on paper .The trouble is my writing personality and my personality personality are two very different people . The writer me is serious and takes herself very seriously -she’s a bit of a know-it-all ,really, whereas the me me is so laid back and easy going everybody is always surprised when they read something I’ve written. I don’t sound like me . They are always pleasantly(?) surprised .They stare and give me those you-have-a-brain looks.WOW!!  Should i be offended? Do i care ? Yes and no . Yes because I want to be taken seriously as a writer and no because know myself and sometimes feel people should be able to see through the bullshit and see me .Then counter productively the wall comes up and I go back to my jester pose .  I CAN’T bear the bright light of their admiration .Retreat! Retreat! I scream to myself and then in a blink of an eye she’s gone! Whew! Relief all round! I guess what I’m trying to convey is that I’m trying to get to know this writer in me . I’m trying to find my voice  . I want my ideas to turn into great well written stories.

A teacher once said to me : you will never amount to anything . I was 12 . That struck me so hard . I bawled for hours, even now at 30 it still takes my breathe away . How does a teacher even come to that conclusion?  She was supposed to be  moulding me not giving a fucking complex!! She was a truly awful human being and even worse teacher obviously . Do I believe this about myself? I dunno.  I think I don’t .   I have this vision of a life filled with adventure , friends ,rides in cars with boys, sunny filled days of wanton fun ,copious drinking  and be able t o play a mean game of poker.  Love and marriage (maybe!) Babies!  It’s good life, right? I want this life . Please can I have this life? Existentialist crisis, anyone? I’m asking for a friend.

What does this have to do with pleasure you ask . Well introspection can be fun!  Right 😀 ?

It will be filled with fun and frivolity soon. I promise .This blog , I mean.

Later

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